Besides the fact it's hard to be gay in socitity, I, myself find it difficult to deal with it.
Yes, i have female organs, But i still don't know what i am. To be honist, It hurts.
I look at myself in the mirror everyday. Most of the time i act concided as if i can get off just looking at myself. I let everyone around me believe i'm content with ...me,myself in general but in inner self reality......ugh.

I caught a glimps of myself in the reflection of my computer screen...And i didnt know who i was. I mean i know who i am but...what am i. I felt hate. I feel hate. Should i be a boy? Should i be a girl?
I'm soo confused. I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!! Why coudnt i just have been a a boy? Why couldn't i be a girl that acturally thinks like one?? UGH! FUCK! I got out the shower tonight, I put the towel over my head. I tryed to imagine what it would be like to have long hair. I got such a tightning feeling in my stomach.

I tryed to talk to mom about it. She got upset and brushed the topic off. She couldnt understand. She can't relate. No one can. I figure just journallng will heal the skin i try to rip out of everynight.

I wish we didnt have genders. I wish humans didn't judge my gender. Whos stronger? Whos better? Whos smarter? Which sex can do this and not that? I HATE IT. Why must i deal with this everyday???

My weight training coach gave me one percent below a B. Just because he doesnt like the fact i can lift more than what most men can in his class. Hes so sexest. He ALWAYS chooses the male gender over the female. He beleives men should be men and women should act like women. I stormed out of his class last friday in tears. i didnt want the to see me at my weak times. I dont hardly let my fiance see me like i was that day. I left in a rage becauase...Well theres about five girls in that class. They only lift up to 100 pounds,depending on the workout. I can lift wayyyyyyyyyy more than any of them can, therefore i work out with a group of guys. We were fucking around and instead of put 350 for squats we put on 550. I tryed it first. I couldnt do it, and that was his oppritunity to call me out and yell at me in front of that class that i am not a guy and i belong with the girls. Now, You may not have felt the same as i did that day but as i said, i was at the verge of a beak down and i left.I ran to the paino roo and play for an hour and then left school all together.
Ugh... Theres no reason to wright about this anymore. It didnt help me then, won't help me now. I have to get my blood taken again. Last time when they checked my tetostrone levels, It was almost as high as a teeenage boy.
Am i a teenage boy traped inside this teenage girls body, am i a girl who...i dont know. Am i .. A FREAK.